Global Warming, Another Story

Global warming is one of the great mysteries of our time. Some see it as cataclysmic, others think it's exaggerated.

One of the really earth-shaking consequences of the phenomenon that most people have yet to consider came to mind today as I passed Santa Claus in the mall with a cute, blonde tyke in his lap. Do you realize the likely consequences if the polar ice cap continues to go the way of yesterday’s Icee? According to Wikipedia, some scientists believe this could happen by 2030.

How will that affect the Santa story?

By 2050, jolly old Saint Nick will be living on the lush, newly-tropical island in the Artic Ocean known by the acronym NoPo. The North Pole (peppermint-like with alternating red and white stripes) will stick up out of Santa’s pineapple plot. Instead of those bulky red pants tucked into black boots, he’ll be decked out in UV-blocking shades and a red swim suit nicely contrasting with his deeply tanned skin.

He’ll have traded in his reindeer for a group of fleet-footed Kentucky thoroughbreds. In place of that crusty old sleigh, he’ll be driving a souped-up redwood hay wagon designed by Toyota engineers. It will feature oversize Bridgestone tires guaranteed to make a soft landing on any type of roof.

The elves, wearing skimpy shorts and flip-flops, will knock out their toys in an outdoor workshop shaded by large oak trees. The kids’ wish lists will still feature traditional items like Radio Flyer wagons. Because of all the extra water resulting from ice caps and glaciers melting, however, the wagons will feature pontoons instead of wheels.

Mrs. Claus will circulate around the workshop with lemonade and gingerbread cookies to help the elves keep their cool. During her free time, she’ll lounge at poolside with a peppermint julip.

Since the world will be a warmer place in 2050, there won’t be much need for chimneys. Santa will have to vary his approach. He’ll probably rappel from the roof and go in the front door with his universal pass key.

All of this upheaval in the Santaland saga will cause Clement Moore the 10th (or whatever) to rewrite parts of The Night Before Christmas. One segment will probably say:

“Now, Citation! now, Slew! now, War Admiral and Seabiscuit!
On, Count Fleet! on, Whirlaway! on, Assault and Secretariat!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

Okay, enough of this global warming stuff. Don't want to scare the kids out of their nighties. But before I close and cruise out of sight, I’d like to wish a Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.

Chester Campbell
www.chesterdcampbell.com